July 24, 2004 – I was watching the Tour and watching Lance and I was so excited for him and the Postal riders. I was thinking that the difference the between riders I was watching being cheered on by thousands of fans, and me sitting alone on my couch was simple. Drugs were the difference. I was thinking the reason these guys are Gods, are because they sacrificed everything, including their health. And I was too scared to sacrifice my health so I was a coward. The more I thought about it the more it was making sense.

Before I knew it I had finished about two bottles of red wine. All I could do was think about how far I had come, starting in the same living room doing intervals listening to Eye of the Tiger, dreaming about winning the 15-16 District time trial, to becoming a pro “drug free” for a Division 2 pro team in Europe. All I have ever wanted to do was ride the Tour De France. And now all I could do was think about was how I had blown my chance, because I was a coward and a loser.

I was really taking it to heart. I felt like my life was a waste, because I didn’t have the balls to take drugs when I was 20 and never look back. Yet deep down in my heart I knew I was right not to take drugs.

As I became increasingly drunk, I became increasingly angry. I jumped into my dad’s truck, because I had just sold my Mercedes and drove to town to the local bar, but it was shut down. So I drove past the gas station where all the rednecks hang out to see if there was any action, but there wasn’t. I figured it would be best to take the back way home because I was drunk.

The back way has a railroad crossing. Right about the time that I was reaching the crossing, I was breaking down. I was cussing at the top of my lungs that I hated God, the world, the old girlfriend’s that broke my heart, and everything in it. I stopped my truck over the tracks and laid down on the tracks. I dared God to send a train to run over me. I told him to send one, but nothing came.

I went home after about 10 minutes of laying on the tracks. (My parents were on vacation so, I was all alone on our farm). When I got back, I broke down in tears and fell to the ground. I was screaming to God for an answer, a miracle. Anything. I was telling God that I hated him. I was lying on the ground totally weak. My dogs were licking my face and sitting on top of me trying to cheer me up. Finally I got to my feet and went upstairs to collect myself.

When I got up there I looked for an email that would tell me I had a sponsorship with a drug-free team. Anything. I was looking for a miracle. Instead I got an email from my old girlfriend that I set the Mount Lemmon record. I loved her, but she is the meanest person I have ever met. She told me how much of a loser I was, for all these reasons. We had a pretty bad break-up. And that was it. I wanted to kill myself.

So I cleared all of my pictures off of the Iturnpro.com site, sent Justin Spinelli all the passwords to take over the site, and changed the penpal stuff. I emailed Roy Knickman, and Kirk and others that I had lost hope. And wrote my parents a death letter. Grabbed the rest of the wine, opened the garage door and parked the truck in it and closed the garage door.

I sat there for a long time, fading in and out of consciousness. I was thinking if I fall asleep this is going to be it. I am going to die tonight. I must have been in there for an hour or so, and I passed out for a second and woke back up.

For some reason, I was extremely tired, and thought f— this. I am too tired to kill myself, I wanna go to bed. So I jumped out of the car and jumped in my bed and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and said to myself, “what happened?”

Today, I decided to watch the movie “Rudy”. In the movie he goes against all odds – all to dress for one game. He went against what everyone told him, that he couldn’t go to college, couldn’t get to Notre Dame, and couldn’t play on the football team. Well he did it all, but in the end Rudy almost quit when he didn’t get on the dress list for the final game. He wanted to skip his last practice. The black guy tells Rudy, “you have come so far, look at what you have achieved, you are a hundred and nothing pounds, and you have played with the best team in the nation for two years. Go back and finish what you started.” He goes back, does the practice, gets the start, plays in the game, and makes a sack. He did it all with heart.

I was so inspired I thought I could once again see myself, eventhough it sounds cheesy, riding in the Tour De France clean and finishing. When everybody said it was impossible. All the riders, all the directors, all the people who have tried to keep me down, run me off the road, try to kill me. I was feeling like, if I give up now, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will be sitting at some desk job, mad as hell because I didn’t give it my best shot to beat drugs and ride the Tour.

I am like Rudy trying to quit before his last senior practice. And the movie was the black guy telling me to get the hell up off the couch and go do it. Achieve your dreams and don’t give up no matter what. I ran out the door in a lightning storm at 8:30 at night, and went up my favorite mountain as fast as I could. I felt awesome too. I felt like I had the legs of a machine tonight.

So here is the deal, Tom Schuler and I are doing everything in our power to start this drug-free team. I am trying to contact David Millar, I want him to ride on the team. To show everyone what a huge advantage drugs are before and after. I want this team to ride in the Giro, I don’t care if we finish dead last everyday. I want to put together a team of the best hard core anti-drug guys together I can find. Guys who will risk everything in the name of cleaning up the sport. I don’t care, I have a death wish anyways.

If we can put this team together, and find a sponsor for next year, I will ride like I have never ridden before. I will put my whole heart in this thing, and I will push myself farther than I have ever gone before. I believe we can change the world and give hope for future racers who might end up sitting in their garage running their car wishing to die. That is why dopers are wrong, because that is what their lies do to people. It destroys dreams, heros, and people’s worlds. I don’t want another person to go through what I have.

Sincerely,
Matt

Everyone try to make a difference. Everyone try. Turn dopers in. Speak out!