June 29, 2005 – I am going to the Track Nationals and then perhaps to the Road Nats as well. I couldn’t stand sitting around so I am off to the races with nothing to lose but a little pride. Reason that finally rings true only after I have bounced around the multitude of “what if’s and buts” from my family and friends.
Scared, worried and apprehensive are all words that describe my feelings when thinking about Nationals. Up until now (2005 that is) Track Nationals have been the center piece of my seasons. All energy and focus was centered on the weekend that mattered. Every other race was a bonus in my mind. Other races were part of the adventure – Championships on the other hand were why I trained.
That is until April 28, 2005. Suddenly, violently and in the span of a second I went from having glimpses of the fastest season ever to sitting and wondering. Insecurities and doubts crept in daily as week upon week I sat waiting and riding out the storm in my small ring. Every day I pushed back decisions about my future until I had the full picture. CAT scans, MRI’s and physio replaced my regular workouts.
Ever since Trinidad I have been at a loss for words. No pen, no computer could gather my thoughts and I have found myself with a lot to say but not wanting to think too much. Sunday, as I sat in front of the computer, searching for words, answers or someone to tell me what to do, I was stuck. To stay or to go became my dilemma. With the 2005 Track Nationals on the horizon I was staring at the deadline with reason and reality reminding myself that I have raced exactly three times this year. Four if you count the crash.
Fear of poor performances, wasted money suddenly filled my head. I sat there with mixed feelings. I found myself wanting to go but strangely uncertain. Knowing that if I procrastinate any longer I would have the decision forced upon me if I missed the deadline. Taking a chance I pressed “confirm” and $80 set my world in motion. What’s the worst that can happen?
Well from where I sit now a lot has happened, and I came out of it with strong friendships and strong will. Somehow it doesn’t seem that bad when I think of what could have happened. With that logic I booked a one-way ticket to Calgary – cow town here I come.
I barely slept on Sunday night. I sat awake second-guessing my decision while my gut feeling was that I did the right thing. Sleep finally came when I stopped looking at the prizes and performance and realized that I just want to race. My gut feelings have set my world back in motion, while reason and logic give way to adventure and a sense of what if.
Roll the dice… here we go.